I have encountered a couple of PC fairytales lately, so I thought I would write one of my own. This is the first installation...
Once upon a time, there was a financially challenged couple, who inadvisably and irresponsibly decided to have a child. The Equal Partner in the long term commitment, of the female but certainly not less important gender, became pregnant, and experienced cravings for a certain variety of lettuce which is known as rapunzel.
However, when the male partner set out to buy the female partner some of this lettuce, he suffered discrimination on the grounds of finance.
Following this rejection by a society inadequate to deal with their needs, the couple vented their frustration by turning to crime.
The male person searched for a local grower of organic rapunzel, since he was an environmentally responsible person who wanted to limit his impact on the earth. He discovered that the only suitable lettuce garden belonged to a frightening chauvinist who always tried to force his religious views on others. He decided that it was certainly not stealing to confiscate property from such a menace, especially since his partner's wish for the green was valid and real.
He returned late that night, and appropriated several heads of the leafy vegetable, along with two carrots and a head of purple cabbage. He wanted to make sure that his partner ate all of her colours every day. He returned to bring more each night that week, and the female was much happier.
However, on the last night, he was surprised by the freakish growl of the owner.
"Hey you, what are yer doin wit me cabbyges?"
Thinking fast, the male replied that he was a postmodern artist drawing faces on them with marker pens.
"than whoy do yer need to do it at niooght?"
"they're glow-in-the-dark marker pens"
The grower of the cabbages didn't believe him, and threatened to call the police.
In desperation, the male fell on his knees in the moonlit garden, and begged the owner on account of his pregnant partner to let him go.
An evil glint came into the chauvinist Gardner's face;
"Tell ye wot, If ye gi'mme the babe when she's newborn, yer may take all the veggys ye want, 'cepting me colrabi, and as long as yer compost the peelins"
The thief took home some artichokes, and he discussed the situation with his partner.
She replied that she was feeling that the child would impose limits on her future career, and since she was the Male's equal in every way, she wouldn't stand for that. She felt that it was right for her at that time to give up the child, and indeed would be wrong to keep the baby and limit her personal growth.
A few months later the female brought her new tiny daughter to the chauvinist, and traded her in for a kilo of tomatoes.
MORAL FOR PART ONE- If you allow financially challenged personages to remain without a government subsidy, payrise, tax break etc. they will turn mega-crimes.
Wednesday, 22 October 2008
Friday, 17 October 2008
I slopped my dripper!
William Archibald Spooner
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William Archibald Spooner (July 22, 1844–August 29, 1930) was a famous Oxford don after whom is named a linguistic phenomenon, Spoonerism.
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[edit] Biography
Spooner was educated at Oswestry School and New College, Oxford, where he was the first non-Wykehamist to become an undergraduate. He was ordained deacon in the Church of England in 1872 and priest in 1875.
He remained at New College for more than sixty years, serving as Fellow (1867), Lecturer (1868), Tutor (1869), Dean (1876–1889), and Warden (1903–1930). He lectured on ancient history, divinity, and philosophy (especially on Aristotle's ethics).
Spooner has been described as, "an albino, small, with a pink face, poor eyesight, and a head too large for his body", and, "His reputation was that of a genial, kindly, hospitable man."[1]
In the opinion of Roy Harrod, William Spooner exceeded all the heads of Oxford and Cambridge colleges he had known "having regard to his scholarship, devotion to duty, and wisdom."
[edit] Spoonerisms
Main article: Spoonerism
Spooner has become famous for his (real or alleged) "Spoonerisms", plays on words in which corresponding consonants, vowels, or morphemes are switched. Few of his own Spoonerisms, if any, were deliberate, and many of those attributed to him are apocryphal (The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations (3rd edition, 1979) lists only one substantiated Spoonerism - "The weight of rages will press hard upon the employer"). Spooner himself hated the reputation gained for getting his words muddled.
Some of the more famous quotations attributed to Spooner include:
- "The Lord is a shoving leopard", or "Come into the arms of the shoving leopard" (Loving shepherd)
- "It is kisstomary to cuss the bride" (...customary to kiss the bride)
- "Mardon me padam, this pie is occupewed. Can I sew you to another sheet?" (Pardon me, madam, this pew is occupied. Can I show you to another seat?)
- "You have hissed all my mystery lectures, and were caught fighting a liar in the quad. Having tasted two worms, you will leave by the next town drain" (You have missed all my history lectures, and were caught lighting a fire in the quad. Having wasted two terms, you will leave by the next down train)
- He supposedly remarked to one lady, during a college reception, "You'll soon be had as a matter of course" (You'll soon be mad as a Hatter of course)
- "Let us glaze our asses to the queer old Dean" (...raise our glasses to the dear old Queen)
- "We'll have the hags flung out" (...flags hung out)
- "a half-warmed fish" (A half-formed wish)
- "Is the bean dizzy?" (Is the Dean busy?)
- "Go and shake a tower" (Go and take a shower)
- "a well-boiled icicle" (A well-oiled bicycle)
- "I've lost my signifying glass". (Later): "Oh, well, it doesn't magnify."
After the concept of Spoonerisms became known, Spooner once denounced a crowd that had gathered to hear him speak by saying, "You haven't come for my lecture, you just want to hear one of those...things."
Spooner is supposed to have committed other absent-minded gaffes. He was said to have invited a don to tea, "to welcome Stanley Casson, our new archaeology Fellow". "But, sir," the man replied, "I am Stanley Casson". "Never mind," Spooner said, "Come all the same".[2]
At a party in North Oxfordshire his wife sustained a cut on her finger. When concerned friends asked him "Did she lose her finger permanently?", he is supposed to have answered "She lost her finger permanently, for a time".
One recorded incident had Spooner write a note asking for a fellow lecturer at New College to see him immediately about a matter. The note had a postscript informing the lecturer that the matter had been resolved and he no longer needed to see him.
Another story tells of Spooner preaching a sermon about St. Paul, but substituted the name Aristotle for St. Paul. When he finished, he came down from the pulpit, paused, went back up, and told his bewildered congregation, "Did I say Aristotle? I meant St. Paul." Some versions of this story have Spooner substituting Aristotle for Aquinas.
In an interview conducted shortly before his death, Spooner said that he could only remember specifically one of his misquotes: when he introduced the hymn "Kinkering Congs Their Titles Take" instead of "Conquering Kings Their Titles Take." His attitude towards his unintentional fame softened in his final years, even granting the occasional reprint for humor's sake, regardless of validity.
Monday, 13 October 2008
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